Yesterday I felt extremely emotional due to the untimely death of my GodSister Jacqueline, aka Jack to all that knew her. When I first got the call of her passing, I felt numb and slightly dazed. It felt like I was going to faint. I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. All I can think about was her children and grandchildren. See, Jack and our families were very close. We grew up together. We use to live around the corner from one another. We use to spend a lot of time together, spend the night at each other’s house. Go outside and play until it got dark, and go to the neighborhood pool. Then we started dating, and comparing notes. Just doing our own thing. I still remember when you told me a guy you were dating liked me. Then you got mad with me. I didn’t know until you told me. That was crazy. Then you got over it. I’m glad, I was interested in him. Well life went on, then relationships started, and kids were born. We would still visit each other, but not as often. Then I moved out the neighborhood, and we lost all contact. Our parents basically kept in touch. I was told throughout the years she was experiencing heart trouble. And the last time I heard from her was a couple months ago. We spoke about our families and their well being. I’m glad I had the opportunity to speak with her, I just wish we could’ve gotten together. She died young from heart failure. I don’t know when she first started experiencing heart problems. I’m quite sure she had limitations, unable to live life like before, like taking medication, and eating certain foods. Just Change of lifestyle. It probably was hard on her and being in pain. I can’t imagine the pain her children are experiencing, because they were very close. I heard at the time of death she was living with her daughter. To make matters worse, she just lost her Mom and a cousin last year. I’m praying for them. My heart is aching. I’m going to truly miss you Jack. I love you so so much😘
Life’s something else. You never know what’s next. You wake up exuberant, ready for the world. Then your phone rings, or someone’s knocking at the door. You answer hoping with good intentions at the other end. Then bam, it’s always something. It just never ends. Well it’s called trials and tribulations, that was told to me. Who knew it would last a lifetime. Yes everything is a lesson, and yes everything happens for a reason. I’m still learning how to handle situations that arise. I listen to other people stories, and I think my story is bad, it’s not the case of whose is worse. It’s just knowing we are all in pain. Some suffer in silence, and some become rebellious, and some for the most part exercise their pain outwardly. And, in hopes not negatively. The worst is in silence in which they suppress it. When feelings are suppressed, it tend to cause anger, bitterness, and worst case scenario, ailments. Pain needs to be addressed, when denial is pushed aside. We have to reach out, when we understand we’re not alone. I know it’s it easy, but we have to find a way to handle any feeling of pain. We have to get support and start to heal the pain.
Why it’s so hard for me to ask for help? I’ve struggled my whole life without asking for anything. If I did ask, trust me I was in dire need. I felt like if I was to ask, I want to return it in a timely fashion. It was so bad that I’d actually waited until it was offered to me. Me and whom ever would strike up a conversation about life, and what is needed, then bingo, a offer would be placed. And, I’d still be stubborn about taken it. How ugly is that. I feel we all need, and I didn’t want to take anything someone else needed. My Pride killed a lot of my dreams. Not that it gotten any better, I ask , but it’s rarely ever for me. I was told by a family member about two years ago, the reason I don’t have what I want is that I never ask for help. At that moment I didn’t respond, I just let it resonate. A couple of days later, I thought about what was said to me and couldn’t believe how true it was. It’s so crazy how I watched and listened to family and friends ask for what they wanted and needed. I never did, I couldn’t, my pride wouldn’t let me, it just shut me down, like a hand was over my mouth. I happened to be watching Super Soul Sunday with Oprah Winfrey, and the question presented itself. Why it’s so hard to ask for help. My eyes watered, and I said to myself, that’s my biggest block. When I do ask, it’s not even for me. When I need something for me, before I even ask I’m too busy trying to figure out how to repay it, and feeling bad for asking. I’m still trying to figure it out. What I do know is; it have a lot to do with me as a person. I learned that you get what you give. So in saying in that, I have to accept and appreciate the beauty of people. I consider myself a giver of life, through words, action, and just given of myself. I love that about me, it feels really good. I just have to open up a bit to the possibility of asking and receiving, and how it can benefit me and others. I’m still a work in progress.
I’m still on this roller coaster ride called life. Like I always stated, raising children and being in a relationship is the hardest job on earth. You think because the light is green, it means go. When you’re almost at that green light, the light turns red. I awaken blessed with much gratitude, and determination. So inspired, ready for the world. Then the phone ring, then my life is just not my life. I know God have a plan for me, he definitely knows my plans. I guess he feels his plans are better than mine. Well I believe and have faith in him. He brought me this far. There’s one thing I know for sure is I’m better then yesterday. I am thankful me and my children woke up this morning. I love my children we/they are supportive of each other. It’s such a blessing. We have to be, living in this roller coaster, we call life. The ups and downs. We don’t know what’s installed for us, nobody knows. We’re living in a world of confusion. Everyone’s trying to understand the word why. Why me, why you, why them, why us. How can we be sane, in a world of insanity. Yesterday was good, today was not so good, just saying. I have somewhat of a understanding about life and death. We live and we die. We have to go to come back. Right now at this moment, I’m enjoying listening to peaceful music while doing my laundry. Lord continue to cover, hold, and keep us out of harms way. Forgive me and my children for our past, present and future sins, for we will sin, without our consent. Let me end this by saying, today, right now and the rest of the evening will be wonderful. I believe, I have Faith. Praying for continued blessings and favor. ~ DTRC
Living, and staying in the past can stagnant you severely. Generation after generation, just repeat the same cycle. Unspoken abuse in every way imaginable, unless you were a victim, then it becomes mum, silent. Everybody’s quiet until it affects them personally. Still stuck, blaming other’s, without a clue to the truth. Don’t even want the truth. Continue to hurt, and accept pain because that’s what they’re use to dealing with. Let’s not forget the hush and just sweep it under the rug. Nobody wants to forgive and talk about it, instead just continue being bitter and angry and past it down to the next generation, which don’t have a clue to what’s going on, and why they’re being treating with mental physical and emotional abuse. Please end the cycle! Please vent, talk about it, get it out your system, cut the cord, ask questions, have regard for other people feelings, get help, go see a therapist. Leave the past in the past, and make for a better future… for everyone. ~ DTRC
Just Having A Moment
Life’s a battlefield
Confusion in the background
No way through
Nobody could hear me speak
Nobody could see me
I’m screaming, shouting
Flowing, streaming tears
Stepping in puddles
Where am I
Who am I
Which way to turn, which way to go
My heart beating fast
Catching my breath
Palms in a sweat
I hear a voice
Sounds like mine
No need to worry
You’re not alone
Close your eyes
Go back to sleep
Your just having a moment of many to come, for it’s okay
Breathe deeply and slowly
Relax your body
Think of the wonderful life ahead
Just take it one day at a time.
In 1994, after I gave birth. I was told I have a healthy seven pound, two ounce baby boy. Handsome as he wanna be. After bringing my son home, as time and life went on. Besides from being a screamer, we named him that because he was known throughout the neighborhood as such. You could hear him a block away. One day he was upstairs in his crib sleeping, and I heard a loud thump. I ran upstairs to find my son out his crib on the floor crawling. I said oh lord, he learned something new, he learned to climb out the crib. My son was so hyper, he couldn’t keep still. I knew my days of relaxing was over. Then after while he started kindergarten, then first grade. Which became a learning struggle for him. He started falling behind, which led him to become held over. He continued to struggle, and needed special education classes. As time went on, I’ll say about age eight or nine. We’ll before middle school, I noticed a slight dent in his head. That was right after he caught the ringworm at a family members house. I took him to his family doctor and his doctor claimed the dent was caused by the ringworm. Unknowingly to me, I continued to administer the cream accordingly, until it cleared. The dent was still in place, and at that time we moved to Connecticut and my son was entering middle school. I found him a new family doctor, which referred us to Yale hospital, located in New Haven Connecticut. After his scheduled appointment, X-ray of his skull. He was diagnosed with having Craniosynostosis. Still not educated and wasn’t told of his future symptoms. In 2010, he started having seizures. Now to this day, he’s taking nine pills, two types of medications totaling 3,100 milligrams. His dent in his scalp deepened and his nose is somewhat enlarged on one side. You really have to be close up on him to notice. He use to get very defensive when be ridiculed or teased about his defect, also he didn’t have a understanding his deformity. Until I became more knowledgeable and explained in a way that he could understand. I also showed him pictures and stories that he can relate to. Recently we moved and switched his neurologist. Which in turn wants to lower his medicine. He still struggles academically, but at the best in math. He basically just needs guidance and directions, but above all he’s my gentle giant with a heart of gold and strength of a mule. He’s currently in training for employment and the GED exam. Which he failed twice, but passed the math. He’s a poet at heart. And a comedian, it’s never a dull moment with him around. And, a serious go getter. I wanted to share this story to say if I only knew. But there were no signs at birth, so how would I’ve known. I mentally blamed his pediatrician and his delivery doctor. I was told by a family friend, that technology is more advanced today then yesterday. I just continue to pray. It could’ve been much worse. What I learned is to ask questions and get second opinions, always. I also learned we are not alone. We all have a story. Sharing and helping others to become more aware and knowledgeable is the best gift of giving back.
CRANOSYNOSTOSIS- A misshapen skull, with the shape depending on which of the sutures are affected.
An abnormal feeling or disappearing fontanel on your baby’s skull.
Development of a raised, hard ridge along affected sutures.
Slow or no growth of the head as your baby grows.
just some examples